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Post By Nitz the Bloody Tue Jun 22, 2004 at 04:36:31 pm EDT |
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Nitz the Bloody #2: A Preposterous Rhinoceros! | |
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Thanks for all the feedback, guys. Keep it up; positive or negative, constructive criticism is good. I feel honored to become a part of this community and all its talented people. So without further adieu, here's the next chapter....
Nitz the Bloody Chapter 2: Preposterous Rhinoceros
By Neil Kapit
When I got back from the hospital, the first thing I did was run up to my room. I didn’t greet my parents, I didn’t get a snack from the fridge, I didn’t even play a round of Viewtiful Joe. I just sped up to my dark room with my dark curtains and dark comic collection to look at my new, somewhat less dark mace.
Even through the general shadowiness of my room, the “ Cudgel of the Roses “ sparkled. It glowed, just like I glowed in the void where I met the rhinoceros. I trailed my fingers down it and it felt soft and inviting, like warm silk. I accidentally touched one of the thorns, but it didn’t hurt. I just kept touching it, basking in its heat as though it were a campfire in the middle of the Netherlands.
“ So, “ a voice said, “ Do you enjoy your gift? “ It was the Sumatran rhinoceros again, standing in the middle of my room. It took up a lot of space, but seemed ethereal; its ass was in the middle of my desk, but it didn’t knock anything over. The smell was still prominent even in its gaseous form, probably enhanced by that.
“ Who are you? And don’t you know my mom doesn’t allow pets? “
“ I am the avatar of Zeku. I am your guide for the adventure you must undertake. “
” Why would the avatar be a rhinoceros? “
” That is how I appear to your eyes. I appear as many different things to many different people. “
” So why would I see a rhino? “
” Why would you NOT see a rhino ? “
I blinked twice. “ Point, “ I answered. “ But what do you want with me? “
” You are the new Priest of Zeku. You have the capacity to wield Zeku magic. You have the strength to defeat the Siphoner and eliminate the Drak Zeku. “
” Whosaijiggawhat? “
The rhinoceros sighed. “ It is in your best interest to sit down for this. “
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So apparently there’s this force called Zeku that has been around since creation, see? It’s like, the defender of the Earth, a force of nature that was working behind the scenes during the entire creation of the world. It safeguarded the world, protecting the Earth from disasters; its power was finite, and it could not save the dinosaurs, but it still kept the atmosphere clean and the earth rotating fine.
When humans evolved, Zeku had a truly sentient species, who had potential to be the rulers of the world but were pink and frail, vulnerable to the elements. Zeku interacted with the human race. It taught them how to use tools, how to clothe themselves, even how to use Zeku magic. However, this was not its best idea.
When humans learned magic, they developed their own power. And without Zeku’s wisdom, they used this for ill intent. A man named Zung cast a spell which siphoned Zeku’s power, then trapping it in a cage of its stolen might. He used this to gain eternal life; he became an unkillable spirit, hopping from body to body, working in all his forms to gain as much wealth as possible.
In the 20th century, Zung had a new idea; he would use the Zeku power that had served him so well, and market it as a commodity for bored teenagers. He reincarnated himself as Ezekiel Ungar and made billions, running Zeku Corp and selling Zeku products everywhere. Except the Zeku magic has consequences. The reagents required to cast Zoo magic are all important parts of nature; mahogany trees, rosy periwinkle flowers, rhinoceros horns, and manatee whiskers, to name a few. What’s more, the use of Zeku by those not trained in it creates Drak Zeku, a substance which is extremely chaotic and random. If the use of Drak Zeku continues, it could have horrible consequences; destroy the Earth’s atmosphere, horribly mutate all in proximity, become a super villain powerful enough to defeat the entire Lair Legion, you name it.
Fortunately, the real Zeku managed to use the increased practicing of magic as a window to escape its prison, and picked a human host for what’s left of his power.
Which is where I come in.
“ So basically, you’re Casper the Friendly Ghost meets the Green Party. “, I said.
“ If you must put it so bluntly, yes. “
“ And you want me to use your power to defeat Ezekiel Ungar and stop Zeku production. “
” Yes. “
” And it’s ME you’re expecting to do it with, not Nats or CrazySugarFreakBoy! or Fin Fang Foom or any actual superhero. “
” I am getting weary of repeating myself. You are the only one with the innate capacity to wield pure Zeku magic without creating Drak Zeku. “
“ So what do I do? Run up to this guy Ungar, hit him with this mace, and get sent to jail for Murder One? “
” In layman terms, yes. “
” Whoa whoa whoa, I’m no killer. Hell, I can’t even cut myself without fainting at the sight of my own blood. “
“ I have told you of the risks of inaction. Drak Zeku is destroying the earth. You must do this and you must do this soon. “
” I’ll pass, thanks. “ I turned away from the rhinoceros, but then I heard calls that sounded like a chicken in a very deep voice.
“ Excuse me? “
” I see your situation, “ the rhino said angrily. “ You are too weak to fight. You just want to sit in your safe, little bubble of misery and self-destruction. You do not want to take any of the risks in life to succeed. “
” Hey, that’s not true, “ I said. “ I’m going to community college, I’ll transfer to university soon, and I’ll get a job as a cartoonist. I’ll be doing something people actually like. “
” If you succeed “, the rhino replied, “ you will be living a hollow life with little social regard. If you fail, you will be stuck in your parents’ home doing a dead-end job, living an even sadder life. But with my plan, you will be on an adventure, like the comic heroes you love so much. You will make an actual difference. You will be a legend. You will be immortal. “
I paused. I couldn’t really argue with what the rhino was saying. He sounded harsh, but he was right. I wasn’t happy with my life right now, and I probably wasn’t going to get any happier. So what could I do? I could live a normal life, or at least I could try to. Or I could embrace this new world of magic powers and evil Siphoners.
“ I’ll try it, “ I whispered.
“ Good. Now hold the Cudgel of the Roses upwards, and say the word. Empower. “
” Empower. “
” Add the suffix “ Eku “ to it. “
“ Empowereku. “
” Louder. “
” Empowereku! “
“ Louder! “
” EM-POW-ER-EKU!! “
Suddenly, there was a flash of white light, and when the light subsided, I felt different. Like I was completely in tune with the entire world. My mind was now filled with all sorts of new terms and concepts, most of which ended in “ Eku “. I felt like I was on all the intelligence-enhancing drugs in the world. I was smarter, faster, and tougher. Rebuilt from scratch with a bunch of spells. Spells to levitate, spells to teleport, spells to blow @#$% up.....I knew it all.
To reflect this, my clothing changed. Before I was wearing a black beanie, a white shirt, brown drawstring pants, and some laceless shoes. Now I was dressed in all red leather, with a long trench coat and a shirt that had a yellow rhinoceros icon on it. My boots were thigh-high yellow, with steel toes. Each of my fingers had a ring of a different color on it. And my hat had turned into a shiny steel helmet with pointy molded ears and a built-in mask, covering my nose.
“ You need a name to describe your role as the latest Priest of Zeku. I shall call you Nitz the Sanguine. “
“ Too fancy, “ I muttered. “ Just call me....Nitz the Bloody. “
“ Blunt. Crude. Messy. I like it. “
” Now, “ the rhino continued, “ Every Priest needs his acolytes, allies to affirm their purpose in the world, allies to give them the confidence to empower them. Find yours. “
” You’re talking to me. I don’t have any followers. Except maybe....MAYBE... “
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“ Can I have whatever you’re on, Nitz? “
Tricia and Zach looked at me with quizzical gazes. I told them my story, the story of Zeku and my new role as its priest. They thought I had gone completely insane from loss of blood.
“ I swear to you, it’s true. Look at my clothes. Look at my mace. “
” The clothes, “ Tricia pointed out, “ Make you look like the love-child or Mega Man and Neo. And your mace is just a Zeku prop. Zeku’s not real, it’s just a hobby. “
” It’s more than a hobby, “ Zach interjected, “ It’s a way of life! It’s the truth in an uncertain world! “
“ Shut up, honey “, Tricia replied. “ The point is, you should probably just lie down, take an aspirin, and commit yourself. “
“ If it were a fake, could I do this? TRANSPORTEKU! “
I then jumped up ten feet in the air, a trail of red sparkles following me. I hovered for a bit over Zach’s house, then dematerialized into a thousand red particles. Those red particles rematerialized on the ground, and as I returned to my true form, bolts of red lightning radiated from the inside of me, charring the grass where I stood. My two friends were speechless. Their jaws practically dropped off of their heads.
“ So, now do you believe me? “
” Keep...talking... “ they sputtered together.
“ Now I have to go to Parodopolis to find this Zung and defeat him once and for all. You with me? “
” What the hey, “ Tricia said. “ Sounds like a good road trip. “
” Sure, “ Zach echoed.
I then grabbed my mace, swung it vertically, and opened a tear in the air. A black void emerged, making a conspicuous humming sound.
“ Now saddle up, “ I said. “ You’re taking the Nitz the Bloody Express. It’s BLOODY Good. “
Oh, how confident I was with my lame-ass puns.....
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